Yesterday I picked Karsten up from a friend's house on my way home from work. Riess' mom said, "I never see you at the gym anymore." Me, "yeah, I haven't been going to the gym." She asked me, "where are you working out now?" Me, "I don't." That's when she said, "well you must have a fast metabolism because you are so thin." My answer, "no, it's not that I have a fast metabolism..." She wanted to know, "what is it then?" Me, "I just haven't been eating." She looked at me a little funny.
This is when I realized I should write a diet book! Or really, just a diet blog post because I only have about two paragraphs worth of content.
Occasionally my gut gets fat. Sometimes even my thighs and the back of my arms might jiggle but I probably have never been "fat" by American standards. But sometimes when my breast to stomach ratio starts inching out of proportion I find myself magically thinner again thanks to uncommon "diet" techniques.
So here you have them: Jana's Diet Secrets. I really should write a book, sell it for $14.95, show up on Oprah and make millions but I'm too busy for all that so here you go, my friends, FREE dieting tips!
1. Have your husband cook dinner on a regular basis. This is my most recent diet. Andy and I are both thinner because of it. He has been doing the grocery shopping too so he just buys unappetizing prepackaged food. Instant diet when the food is suddenly less appealing than home-cooked meals. We're both just eating less.
2. Take medication that you have to take on an empty stomach at night. I'm a snacker and when I took some medication that I had to not eat before or after taking it cut down on my caloric intake. That was my 2004 post-baby diet.
3. The Tooth Loss Diet. Read this previous post to learn more about this radical diet.
4. Lactate. I don't think men are wired to do so that is a shame. Do you know that when you're pregnant you're only supposed to eat an extra 300 calories a day? After the baby is born you can bump that number up to 800! Think of lactating as another form of bulemia... wait, maybe that's not a good thought. Anyway, lactating really takes of the pounds fast.
5. Husband out of town with two small children diet. It is hard to feed yourself when you're busy feeding two kids who don't like to eat. Plus when you are so tired your options may be food or bed. Bed seemed to win out during this early 2005 period.
6. Move to Europe and get rid of your car diet. Even better, move to Amsterdam with a 4 floor hike to your flat and have two small kids you have to either push around in a stroller or on a bike. This diet not only melts away the pounds it firms up the flab! And best of all this diet is probably the most enjoyable and recommended diet by Dr. Jana.
Eat all the hot dogs you want!
I can't think of anymore tips. See, good thing I didn't try to write a book. Oprah never would have put such junk on her show.